I AM A FILIPINO

Differential Diagnosis 2

The ultrasound results came back and it found nothing: everything’s okay. My kidney, my gallbladder, my liver, my prostate are all okay.

So, after almost four hours of waiting in line and 30 minutes getting scanned, and another 30 minutes of waiting for the doctor to see my again; my doctor took one second to look at the results of my ultrasound and said, “Everything’s normal. You still have that pain? Go get an endoscopy.”


The next day, I was the hospital at 6:30am.
I went up to the endoscopy area and gave them my name.
The nurse checked the schedule and confirmed that my name was on the list. She then looked around and asked, “You’re all alone?”

I looked around as well and said, yes.

“You don’t have a companion?”

I nodded.

I asked, “Why? Do I need a companion?”

She then explained that I was going to be sedated and that it’ll take 30 minutes to an hour for the effects of the drug to wear off.

I said okay and she asked me to turn over my belongings.

When I brought out my keys, she had that puzzled look on her face again and this time, she asked, “You’re not planning to drive home, are you?” She proceeded to explain that because of the sedative, driving a car is not advised, that the effect of the drug might last the whole day.

By that time, I got nervous and called up my mom. I told her about the procedure and told her that I’ll just text her after I wake up and maybe she can come and pick me up. I also texted Wella where I was and where I could be found.

Turns out, the doctor’s secretary should’ve briefed me about the whole procedure. She didn’t. The nurse later told me the secretary was a substitute and the real secretary was out for maternity leave. (great)

So, they got my things and was made to lie down on a gurney. I got hooked up to an IV and was made to wait.

While waiting, episodes of HOUSE M.D. started to re-run in my mind; which made me even more nervous. I kept hearing people screaming, “WE NEED TO INTUBATE! STAT! GIVE HIM EPYNEPHRIN! STAT! STAT! STAT!”

After an hour or so, Brandie arrived with some Starbucks. (I still had not eaten breakfast because the examination needed to be conducted after a 12 hour fast.) But I really wanted to drink that coffee at that point.

All the while I was waiting there, a male nurse would occasionally walk by with what looked like a black garden hose. I realized that was the endoscope (I don’t really know if that’s the official term for it, but it sounds logical that an endoscopy will be conducted using an endoscope.)

I am finally wheeled in the examination room. The male nurse explains to me that I will be given dormicum to put me to sleep. That I shouldn’t fight the urge to sleep. (That sounded easy to me.)

He then told me he was going to spray my throat with an anesthetic, which would make my throat numb and if I feel like I couldn’t breath, I shouldn’t panic. (That didn’t sound so easy to do.)

He made me bite down on a plastic bite-guard, so that I don’t bite down on the endoscope and keep my tongue out of the way.

For some weird reason, I started to hum while I was biting on the bite-guard. I think was singing something. Maybe I was trying to calm myself. Maybe I was singing myself a lullaby. But I have not idea what the heck I was singing.

The doctor and the nurse started to do some small talk.

DOC: So, when are you leaving?

NURSE: Doc?

DOC: You’re going the States, right?

NURSE: (nervous laughter) I’m not going anywhere, doc.


I feel the endoscope slide down my throat and it tastes like metal dipped in cherry syrup.

I see the needle float above me and glide towards my IV.

I remember humming something.

And everything fades to black.


I woke up and it was almost lunchtime.

Brandie’s beside me and told me that mom was already downstairs.
He also mentioned that Wella came by and I don’t remember anything.
Wella later told me that I even held her hand and smiled at her and that she kissed me. I don’t remember any of that. I must have been under that dormicum haze.

When I was finally able to stand up, we went to my doctor and he told us the result of the endoscopy: NORMAL. Everything’s okay. No ulcer. No bacteria in my stomach. I’m okay.

I’m healthy? I asked my doctor.

“You’re too healthy. You need to lose weight,” he prescribed. “By the way, you were snoring so loud, the other patients started to complain.”

Is there a cure to snoring?, I joked.

“Yes. Lose weight.”

He said, the pain might’ve been a muscle cramp, possibly causes by stress.
And that was that.


Oh, one more thing.

The night before my endoscopy, my mom called up our family doctor, who I had seen for almost five years. I talked to him and told him about the pain and about the result of the ultrasound. After asking me a couple of questions, he said, “You know, it might be your belt. Your belt’s too tight and it’s been pinching your intestines. That might be the cause of the pain.”

I suddenly felt like one of House’s patient’s in the waiting room. He takes one look at me and would growl, “You’re belt’s too tight. Lose weight or buy bigger pants. There’s a sale at Tall & Big.”