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At the back seat of a Death Cab

Last week, I was driving home and was tuned in to NU107. I started to hear the opening tunes of Death Cab for Cutie’s "I Will Follow You Into The Dark". I’ve actually heard this song before, but it was only that particular night that I listened to every word of the lyrics.

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

The opening lines of the song struck me as not very optimistic. Quite morbid, actually. So, I listened more intently.

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark
If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

And as I drove up the fly-over that lead to EDSA, I began to get teary-eyed. This knot built at the bottom of my throat and wanted release.

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
Cause we'll hold each other soon
The blackest of rooms

Tears were already streaming down the side of my face and I was sobbing like a little boy who got left behind in school and it’s already dark.

I got home. Bothered by it all. Made worse by the fact that I didn’t know why I cried.
It was only the next day, as I was driving to work, that I slowly started to figure things out.

I think (and I’m not sure), I think the reason why the song struck me like that was because I felt sadness and sincerity of the words. It also occurred to me that I had no felt that way for such a long time. I don’t think I’d have the guts to tell someone:

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

Does not one have to be absolutely sure to make such a promise?

And then I thought of all the times I thought I was so sure about something or someone. Strangely enough, all those things didn’t turn out as I had hoped and expected.

Then I took a look at all the things that I wasn’t sure of, all the things that I didn’t expect anything from. And most of those situations turned out for the better.

I guess that’s where I am now-- at an uncertain place. If all goes well, just like all those other times I was at that area of my life where everything was unsure, I’ll soon find myself someplace better.

I can’t wait.

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